Narcissists: One Size Does Not Fit All

Art credit M. Campobaso

As a therapist who specializes in working with addicts in recovery, traumatized and betrayed partners, recovering narcissists, and those wounded by narcissists, I’ve had countless clients share over many years the emotional trauma they have suffered as a result of narcissistic abuse.

Sadly, these hurting individuals often believe that they were to blame for not being more savvy and aware. That somehow they “should” have known better, or sooner, or should have seen the clues.

By the time these clients contact me, their self esteem is shredded, their worth has been stomped on, they have developed an anxiety disorder, slipped in to depression, or they are contending with compulsive or addictive behaviors, such as unhealthy drinking, compulsive eating or shopping as a way of soothing their emotional pain.

It takes a great deal of courage, support and determination to heal from what I call, N.E.R.T or Narcissistic Emotional & Relational Trauma.

Note to the Reader…

Before I continue, it is important to clarify that the focus of this article is not to eviscerate human beings who are narcissists or exhibit narcissistic features or tendencies. Though counter intuitive, it is wise to remember that the core of the narcissistic wound is profound insecurity, unresolved trauma, anger, fear and often, shame.

That said, it is also important to keep in mind that with malignant narcissists or sociopathic narcissists, these individuals are often highly deceptive, and emotionally and physically abusive. Additionally, depending upon the individual, they can be extremely dangerous. For example, the infamous serial killer Ted Bundy was diagnosed as a psychopathic narcissist by more than one Psychologist and Psychiatrist.

However, for the sake of this article, I thought it would be helpful to explore the variety of ways in which narcissists conduct themselves in the world, and in their “relationships” with others.

The following information is acquired from over a decade of my clinical work with narcissistic clients in recovery, as well as narcissistically wounded addicts in recovery. My experience includes many years of working clinically with betrayed, abused, abandoned and wounded partners, spouses, friends, and family members of narcissists. I also draw on my personal experiences of dealing with, and healing from, a narcissistic abusive parent, two former narcissist love relationships, a former narcissist boss, three former narcissist colleagues, and two former friendships with narcissists over my 57 years of living and learning.

For the sake of space and time, I have abbreviated “narcissist” to the letter “N.”

The Many Masks of the Narcissist

Every human being will cross paths, or enter in to some sort of a relationship with a narcissistically wounded person at some point in their life journey. Unfortunately, no one is exempt from this. Because of this, it is important to learn that not all narcissists are the same, and one size does not fit all.

There are several types of narcissists who exhibit “N” traits in varying degrees. I group these Ns into the following categories: Malignant or Toxic Narcissists, Seducer or Charming Narcissists, Manipulative Narcissists, Martyr Narcissists, Sociopathic Narcissists, Insecure Narcissists, Covert and Overt Narcissists.

The common defense mechanisms of a narcissist when confronted, or when presented with a differing opinion than their own, or when shown evidence that does not fit their belief system or life experience, is as follows:

1. Debate ad nauseam (aka argue for arguments sake) - This keeps the person on the other side of the “N” confused and off base. Any attempt to have a rational conversation or a reasonable exchange of ideas goes nowhere. Debating Ns can also quickly shift in to the victim role if they feel cornered by your reason. They will not hesitate to blow FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) into the conversation in order to manipulate and control. These individuals have conflict seeking brains.

Reminder: The goal of the N is not to learn or grow from a conversation. The goal of the N is to win. To be right. Always. The N will take you down a rabbit hole in an attempt to "win" the conversation. They cannot tolerate being wrong, or being perceived as the "loser" in a verbal exchange.

They play by different rules than the rest of us. And they will change the rules on a whim and criticize you for not following the rules. This is called crazy making and it is a dangerous form of gas lighting.

Reminder: Don’t let the F.O.G cloud your safety or sanity.

2. Attack the person who is disagreeing with them - This is done by name calling, threats of job loss, threats of divorce or break up, sarcasm, belittling, subtle or not so subtle insults, diagnosing the person as “crazy” or mentally ill, child custody battles, abandonment, exclusion, and so forth.

Reminder: This is done as an attempt to shame and intimidate the person who is disagreeing with the N. It is meant to create fear and embarrassment, and/or to shut up or to isolate the N’s victim.

3. Minimize or condescend to - Such as, "If you were more intelligent/if you were a better Christian/if you were a man/if you were educated/if you had more experience/if you were older/if you were more ambitious/then you'd agree with me."

Reminder: Anyone who attacks your character in this way lacks insight and empathy. Self insight is one of the important keys for connection, while empathy is an important key for healthy, reciprocal relationships. Ns are wounded, and without extensive therapy and healing, they are not healthy people to engage with for long periods of time.

4. Covert or overt attacks - Ns will often attempt to assassinate a person's character or reputation. This is sometimes done publicly (especially if the N is in a power position), or behind the scenes in private. We often see this play out in the world of politics.

Reminder: No one deserves to be publicly humiliated or privately torn apart. Best to keep your distance from this kind of N. The more you engage or defend yourself, the more fuel you add to their toxic fire.

5. Gossip with the specific intention of creating harm - sharing your thoughts or feelings about another person with a trusted family member, friend or colleague is sometimes a way of reaching out for support. This type of sharing is not necessarily harmful depending on ones intent. However, one of the most dangerous forms of narcissistic rage is mean spirited gossip with the intention of causing harm.

Reminder: If you are on the receiving end of a Ns gossip, do your best to rise above and do not engage. Most people are wise enough to realize that when a person engages in gossip, they are not a healthy or trustworthy person. Take a deep breath and trust that eventually the truth will surface.

A caveat: If the gossip is so malicious that it is impacting your business (for example), you may want to retain an attorney and have your legal advocate send a cease and desist letter.

6. Lies - Either through gaslighting the person who has angered the N, or spreading lies as a way of seeking conflict. Either can cause emotional, personal, and even professional damage to the Ns victim.

Reminder: This includes when the target of the N approaches the N to check and see if the N is upset not understanding the person is a narcissist. The N smiles and says, "No, we are good, everything is just fine!" That is gaslighting, and that is a main tool for covert Ns. Their insides and outsides rarely match.

7. Using silence as violence - Shutting down the conversation, refusing to respond to a call, email or text, intentionally not RSVPing to an invitation, frequently refusing to give a FB response to a direct question, abruptly leaving the interaction, unwilling to participate in the conversation the N began - especially when the target of the N is making a good point.

Reminder: Covert Ns are hard to spot, but their M.O. is typically to cut off the relationship or friendship, ignore, ghost, or refuse to acknowledge the person in a group (on line or in real time) when the person is receiving positive attention from others, when the N is confronted, or if you set a boundary with the N. Try your best to not personalize their pain and lack of insight. Your vibe will attract your tribe as the saying goes - find a healthy tribe.

Note: A person withdrawing based on a hurtful interaction or misunderstanding is different that silence used as violence. Sometimes a little introspection is helpful if we have contributed to the breakdown in communication. However, with a toxic N, it will always be your fault, so keep that in mind.

Also, reducing your contact with a N in real time or on line does not mean that you are a N - no matter what the N may project on to you. Attending to your boundaries and emotional wellness is paramount, especially with N people.

8. Charm - These covert Ns, both male and female, often attempt to manipulate or win others over with insincere compliments. They sometimes use charm or validation as a tactic by making a show of validating a person's opinion when no validation was required, as if they have the final word on what is right or wrong.

Or they are known for making empty promises in order to gain favor. Sometimes charming Ns use their gender role to explain something when the other person of a different gender has not asked for an explanation. With charming Ns there may also be uninvited flirting.

Personal Example…

I experienced this when presenting on a panel discussion at a conference. One of the therapists on the panel is a narcissist by his own admission. He interrupted each speaker on the panel, both male and female, (more on interruptions below), he used toxic charm, pressured the moderator, took over the podium for 10 minutes with a sales pitch, and grabbed the microphone out of turn several times.

When the audience responded with applause to a statement I made, he leaned over, smiled a toothy smile with narrowed eyes (note: this type of toothy smile that does not reach the person’s eyes is meant as a form of intimidation, the person sees you as a threat), and stated loudly, “Oh Mari, you go girl, you are all grown up and having your moment sweetie!”

Though the rest of us did our best to support the flustered moderator, she could not get him under control. Sadly, rather than holding the N accountable, she summed up her experience by stating that the entire panel was like, “Herding cats.” This was disappointing as it lumped all of us in with the N, instead of acknowledging that we had supported her presentation with professionalism.

That is one of the unfortunate consequences of the overt and toxic charming N; they will use intimidation with those they are attempting to manipulate. It is a form of gaslighting, and it is behavior that I no longer make room for in my professional life.

Reminder: Giving and receiving compliments is often appreciated when expressed from a place of kindness and sincerity. However, covert charming Ns, or malignant Ns are not interested in deepening a relationship via a compliment, validation or praise. Instead, they use compliments as a way of belittling, one “up-ing”, asserting dominance and power, gaining favor for a self serving purpose, building a fan base, and/or attempting to obtain something. You are not naive if you have been ensnared by a covert charming N, it has happened to me as well.

9. Convincing - Attempting to sway or strong arm the person who has a differing opinion by giving "proof" that the N is right through the N's subjective stories ("my friend John/Jane had this experience and that proves that I am right") is standard N behavior.

While using examples can be helpful when working through challenges in a loving relationship, or when the other person asks for specific examples in order to genuinely heal the rupture in the relationship, that is not what the N is attempting to do.

Don’t let these kinds of pressure tactics blow FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) into the conversation or interaction. Interestingly, but not surprisingly, this shows up quite often on social media interactions that I have observed, or have been on the receiving end at times when I have unknowingly triggered a N.

Another possible sign of a wounded N is when they tag people on social media in order to get “back up” on their point (“Hey (tagged friend), check out these dummies, lol!”). Secure people do not need to bring in a back up gang or provide “proof.”

Reminder: Lady Gaga said it best when she called social media the toilet of the Internet. Don’t get tangled up in a nowhere conversation with a N. Remember, Ns are punitive - if you intentionally or unintentionally embarrass or trigger them publicly on social media, you will pay to play. They are grudge holders and will find a way of punishing you. Best to walk away or unfollow. Or if need be, unfriend or block the more toxic, conflict seeking Ns.

10. The assumptive N - The assumptive N ambulates through the world convinced of their own superiority and lens that they look through. They do not listen as a way of building authentic connection, rather as a way of gathering information for self gain, or for future retaliation and leverage.

These Ns are consummate actors, know it alls, very articulate, often attractive, and highly aware of themselves in interactions and groups. They don’t miss a beat, no hair is out of place, and often assume and project: Are you attractive? You must be stuck up! Are you a Christian? You must be homophobe! Are you a feminist? You must be angry! Are you gay? You must be attracted to all men or women! Are you a therapist? You must love to listen!

Another curious trait about the assumptive N is that they are typically highly passive aggressive. “Funny” statements like, “Wow, can’t miss you in a crowd!” if you are wearing a sparkly outfit, or “Well, I guess it’s true that there is a mate for everyone, lol!” If you introduce your new love interest. They have an inherent need to cut others down to size. They are just a little above the rest, just a little too smug, too cool, too intelligent….better than others. This is a defense mechanism intended to keep you on the hook vying for their attention while they dance away on a passive aggressive cloud.

Reminder: Steer clear of conversations that drain you. Protect your energy and share your time with those who deserve and appreciate your engagement. Don’t explain yourself to people who have already assumed they know who you are.

11. Excessive interrupting - This is big, please don't ignore this particular trait. While all of is interrupt from time to time, Ns cannot tolerate listening for very long. They will almost always interrupt or talk over a person in nearly every conversation that does not focus on them, or does not in some way benefit them. They must be in the limelight at all times. Toxic envy eats at Ns. If you find yourself on their envy radar, you’ll quickly discover that you receiving attention does not sit well with a N.

Reminder: Sometimes the N will frame their interrupting as "joking” or will make a joke at your expense. If you attempt to address this and set a boundary, this type of N will paint you to be humorless in order to evoke a shame response, "Geez, I was only KIDDING, lighten up."

IMPORTANT: Do not identify with the projection. Remind yourself that they are likely dealing with insecurity, envy or shame based thinking. This type of N attempts to disown their unresolved emotional pain points, project their trauma onto you, and have you adopt their feeling state. Do your best to stay away from what we therapists call, “Projective Identification.”

12. Frequently switching topics mid-conversation - We have all done this, however, a sure sign that you are dealing with a N, is that the N will continually and abruptly veer off the topic or switch gears mid-topic any time you make a reasonable point in any conversation where the N feels as if they are losing control. Or they will interrupt you and switch topics with a yawn stating they are bored.

Reminder: Ns cannot tolerate being bored or being the center of the conversation. As established earlier, the N must be "right.” They will either attack, charm, manipulate, gaslight, minimize, switch topics, or abruptly leave the conversation if the other person makes a good point that cannot be refuted by the N.

If this is done in a group (real time or on social media), and people begin to support your point unbidden by you, then be prepared for the fall out. Ns are extremely controlling individuals. Good to remind yourself that people who actually feel in control do not need to control others. Steer clear of an out of control N.

You will never (key word) hear a covert N say, “You are right.” However, good to remember that covert Ns may sometimes publicly admit you have made a good point only if it benefits them by doing so. Inside they will seethe every bit as much as the malignant or overt N.

Take care of your energy in a one sided conversation with a N who talks non stop about themselves, their goals, accomplishments, projects, problems, with very little interest in what you are doing or who you are. Ns will ask very few questions about you, because…they simply do not care.

13. Punish by proxy - If you are the one who decides to leave a relationship or a friendship with a N, or you set clear, firm non negotiable boundaries with a N friend, family member, colleague, spouse or partner, the slighted N will often punish you by giving you the silent treatment, or their hurt and rage will be shrouded in feigned indifference.

If you do not apologize, they will up the ante by inviting your close friends, family members, and colleagues friends to participate in something they are hosting or facilitating (a party, a conference, a group, a dinner, a vacation, etc.) and exclude you.

Or they will demand that their friends and family members no longer interact with you. Because Ns are a force to be reckoned with, their friends and family members will comply rather than face the wrath of the N.

These particular Ns will often seek out specific people you are close to personally or professionally, target them, and shine their N charm on the target. This is a very common tactic for the charming N. Though this can hurt, take comfort in knowing that you did the right thing in walking away from an unhealthy person.

The charming N cannot tolerate that you have set boundaries and/or cut ties and no longer interact with them on their terms, so they will punish by exclusion, mean girl or mean guy style. Ns like this love to be surrounded by admirers, especially those who support the Ns personal or professional projects.

One interesting type of charming N is the N who seems to be the star of the moment. You can sometimes recognize them on social media as the selfie king or queen, or by their frequent professional photo shoots. Selfies are not a bad thing, photos shoots are not a bad thing. However, this particular N does not feel alive unless they are on stage and basking in the limelight of applause by their admirers. They have never felt like a leader, so leadership to them means being on stage, the red carpet, or as the professor at the front of the class.

These Ns are usually loners and do not see people as friends, rather they see people and colleagues as fans and customers. There is often addiction happening behind the scenes in the form of compulsive sex or porn, and/or gambling and drinking. Their personal life is a bit of a mystery, they may conceal their struggles under a mask of perfection or religion. From time to time they reveal just enough of their struggles (though never alluding to what they are really dealing with) in order to gain sympathy and praise for being “authentic.”

These particular Ns are the most punishing in my experience. If they perceive you to be a threat in any capacity, if you call them on their stuff, however gently, you will pay. They bounce from person to person, using each as a way of advancing. There is often a string of hurt friends, colleagues or people in their wake.

Reminder: When this punishment by proxy happens, it can be difficult to explain to your friend, colleague, or family member who is presently basking in the glow of the charming N what is happening because by doing so, you will come across as petty or envious. And that is what the charming N counts on.

Best not to play in to their psychological chess match. Instead of engaging with the charming N, interact with those who allow you to feel valued and appreciated.

14. Using overt anger to intimidate and control- Through yelling, profanity, snapping, mocking, silence, toxic sarcasm, screaming, exclusion, glaring, and threats. This can be from a spouse (male/female/non binary), a boss, a neighbor, a friend, a partner, a lover, a parent, a family member, a teacher, a coach.

An angry, enraged N will often use excessive profanity and threats in their outbursts. And/or they crash their fists into walls, slam doors, drive at high speeds with you in the car, spit, push, throw things, they will bully and mock you. In the worst scenarios, they will threaten others that you care about, including your pets.

Somehow you are always to blame. This dangerous type of N seeks conflict, they pick fights, they are self focused. There may be a co-morbid mental illness, such as acute anxiety, bi polar disorder, ADHD, a personality disorder, out of control addiction, or some other diagnosis going on. Or they may have an undiagnosed traumatic brain injury.

Whatever is happening, no one deserves to be abused. You cannot reason with this kind of a N, to do so is to put yourself at risk. You may find yourself frequently walking on eggshells and swallowing your words so that you do not upset them or set them off.

Reminder: This type of N is not only dangerous for your emotional well being, their volatility can be a threat to your physical well being as well. Domestic violence is more than physical abuse - it is emotional, verbal and sexual abuse as well. Financial abuse falls in to the category of domestic violence as well.

If your safety is at risk, please find a safe person to reach out to, or call 911 if you are in immediate danger. You can learn more about domestic violence and find support from the national domestic violence support website: https://www.thehotline.org/help/

15. Addiction and the refusal to get sober - Most addicts have unresolved trauma, and, as I often share, without trauma, there is no addiction. Though we can have compassion for the struggle, addicts require a lot of attention. Addiction is a selfish disease and attracts chaos, and addicts often have a conflict seeking brain as a result of their addiction. Don't attempt to reason with or save an out of control/out of treatment addict.

As a therapist who specializes in working with addicts, narcissists, and the wounded partners, spouses and loved ones of addicts and narcissists, I can tell you with all assurance that you cannot save an addict. Your loved one needs a higher level of care than you will ever be able to provide.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself, seek support for your own well being with a skilled therapist, and learn to know, name and maintain your non negotiable boundaries if you choose to stay in contact with this person.

Reminder: Addicts and narcissists alike are suffering and are in denial of their wounded inner selves. Only when they “hit bottom” and experience a form of personal crisis that is serious (i.e. health scare, loss of a relationship, job loss, etc.) , will they “wake up” and make a choice to get sober and heal. Sadly, for some addicts the “bottom” is death. You can’t save a person from their addiction. They must want to achieve sobriety and health for themselves more than you want this for your loved one.

16. Posting on your social media (when not invited to do so) - The N often seeks out connections on social media with those whom they feel are competitors, potential fans, people who can further their career or enhance their reputation. They love to name drop as well.

They may leave a verbal jab on your post now and then (with the standard “LOL” or “JK”). Or they may challenge you in an unprofessional manner, or attempt to shame you (“Wow, how can you wear those high heels? Doesn’t that trigger your sexually addicted clients?); or the N may attempt to expand their reputation and engage in business and marketing on your social media pages. They will often attempt to one up you in social media groups.

When this sort of thing happens with N colleagues (and it will), simply ignore or delete that kind of nonsense on your page. Then reevaluate keeping them as a "friend" on social media if they cannot respect boundaries. If you choose to stay connected for some reason, then respond with a cool head. A simple, “Thank you for your concern re my heels and possible client triggers.”

If you include them in project, retreat, workshop or blog you have spearheaded, they will usually delay sharing the project, or not share it at all if it highlights you. They will rarely, if ever, offer to promote you or your services, and they will never, and I mean never, thank you publicly on a listserv or on social media. In fact, you have a better chance of winning the lottery before a N offers their support or public praise - unless it benefits them in some capacity.

Sadly, some of these highly competitive Ns will have zero remorse in knocking off your ideas, plagiarizing your work, or outright stealing content. As a business coach to therapists around the world, I have heard too many stories, and have sat in too many coaching sessions with clinicians who have suffered in this way. This has also happened to me.

Setting boundaries with Ns who plagiarize or act unprofessionally on your social media pages is very difficult, but it must be done. Trust that they will circle back and punish you in some way, but find your courage and voice. And, best to keep your distance.

Then move on. Do not engage. Do not follow. Do not interact unless you absolutely must.

Finally, if they invite you in to a project, be very careful. Make sure that you have the final say on a video or writing project that involves your image or words. Ns will be more than happy to edit the final document, chapter, or video in order to malign you and sully your image. Know who you are dealing with. Be cautious. If you are presenting at the same conference, workshop or retreat as a N colleagues, be prepared not paranoid. What I mean by this is to be prepared that the insecure N will likely try to undermine you in some way (i.e interrupting your presentation, subtly sabotaging, making a belittling comment in front of others, etc.).

Reminder: Insecure Ns are known for this. They are typically boundary busters, people who lack insight, projectionists, envious, insecure, and highly covert in their tactics. The masks they wear are “nice”, or “naive”, “confident”, “successful”, or “everyone’s buddy.” Trust your gut when it comes to these wolves in sheep’s clothing.

These Ns are not interested in any type authentic relationship with you other than to study your success, figure out who you are, look for weak spots to exploit and gossip about. The moment someone more advantageous comes along, someone who is more exciting, or can offer more, you’ll be dropped like yesterday’s news. Frankly, that is something to celebrate as these are not safe colleagues to have in your circle.

The old adage, “Keep your friends close but your enemies closer” are wise words with these particular insecure Ns. This is not to suggest that you should be close to a person like this, rather, it is wise to simply keep off their radar as much as possible without triggering the rage and N retaliation by ending the relationship entirely. That said, sometimes you must end the relationship and deal with the fall out. Eventually they will forget about you and move on to their next target.

Tip: Be willing to prune your professional social media circle on a regular basis.

17. Excessive criticism - Ns, both covert and overt, charming and toxic, often employ excessive overt or covert criticism (often mixed with charm), especially for those whom they feel are in a one man up or one woman up position. They will look for the person’s vulnerability or achilles heel and use it against that person.

If you are married to a critical N, statements like, “Well, if you would have made more money and been more ambitious then we could afford xyz, don’t blame me, I’m doing my best to stretch our budget!”

Or, perhaps you purchased a handbag that you are excited about, something you’ve worked hard for. A N may say, “Wow, that’s quite a handbag, how did you decide on that unusual color, lol!!” If you ask the N directly if they like the handbag, don’t be surprised if they respond with a smirk and a, “Wellll, not my first choice, but you know, to each their own, I’m not a label person, I don’t need to be a walking advertisement, ha ha, just kidding!”

Look at the micro movements on that person’s face. Is the smile matching the expression in their eyes? Is their body posture relaxed and friendly, or rigid and standoffish? Does your “spidey” sense alert you that they are not safe?

A personal story with a critical/charming N…

I will never forget an incident with a N friend many years ago. I had saved for a long time in order to purchase my first new “higher end” car. I was in my early-40s, and had worked very hard for this. My former N friend, who falls in to the charming critical/insecure/covert N categories and I met for lunch, and I was so excited to show her my new car. It was her birthday and the gift I had carefully put together for her was a large basket filled with her favorite goodies. I did not want to bring it to the restaurant as it was raining, and more than that, my experience with her is that she would have criticized my lack of sophistication in lugging a big basket in to an elegant bistro.

Per usual, she was late. After sitting at the table for nearly 30 minutes, I gave her a wave as she swept in without acknowledging that she had kept me waiting. In true N form, she promptly criticized my choice of table, and insisted on moving.

I followed her silently to the table of her choice, and it was I who apologized and tipped the server from the first table who had kindly brought me bread and iced tea during my wait, and it was I who thanked the hostess for her accommodation to the new table. It was she who selected the more comfortable booth seat facing the restaurant vs. the hard seat facing her.

Once again I was the listening audience to her endless stories for the entire 2.5 hour lunch. My role was to attend to her, and to swallow her sprinkled in critical remarks about my too long hair, my too high heels, my non cool zip code, my selection of food (“You can’t eat bread like that forever, one day you’ll regret it because you’ll be fat”), and my “sinful” non married lifestyle that she frowned on. This was 15 years ago, before I found my voice, and before I understood how to know, name and maintain boundaries with a N.

As an aside, it took me more than a few therapy sessions to finally understand that her personality almost exactly mirrored my mother’s N personality. Because I had met her when I was a teen, and because she was older and much more confident than I, and because she was so charming and at times, fun to be around (as charming Ns can be), and because she appointed herself to be the “older and wiser sister” in our relationship, and because I so deeply craved the approval and love of a mothering woman, I allowed this dynamic to take place for years, never really understanding until my 40s the gaslighting, insecurity and competition she felt toward me, and the trauma reenactment that was going on.

Back to the lunch…

When it was my turn to share (I had just graduated with my Master’s Degree, a ceremony she managed to miss in spite of my mailed invitation and subsequent email and text reminders), I began to express my excitement and gratitude at accepting a fantastic clinical internship working for a psychologist I greatly respected.

Her response was to interrupt less than a minute in to my share (remember, constant interruptions are a clue) with this remark, “Ewww, that sounds so weird. I mean how can you sit in a dark room with people whining about their problems all day. That is sooooo self indulgent. Jesus is the ultimate healer, not you. My bible study women tell me that they learn more from me each week than they ever did from their therapists. I think your job sounds boring.”

Her remark stung, because it was meant to sting. It felt shaming, because it was intended to shame.

I wish I could share that I had a fabulous, well thought out response, but I did not. Even though this had been her M.O. for years, I was once again taken off guard and remember stumbling over my words with a blush creeping up my neck and face. My murmured response was, “Well, um, maybe you’d like to see my new office where I’ll be working? It is really pretty and not dark at all.” Her response, “The rain has stopped and I want to go shopping. I don’t want to go sit in your therapy office. It’s just an office, it’s not that big of a deal, lol!”

And so we shopped. For hours. At the stores she wanted to visit.

Afterwards we walked back to the parking garage, her arms (and my own) filled with her shopping bags. At her request, I was to drive her to her car so that we could transfer her big birthday gift basket and bags to her trunk. As we stepped off of the elevator and began to approach my new convertible, I was once again politely listening to her while digging out my keys to beep the alarm. After a long afternoon with her, I was exhausted, distracted and drained.

Suddenly, she stopped walking and abruptly fell silent mid-sentence, her mouth dropped open, her jaw jutted out, her eyes narrowed, her lips pursed, her head snapped back and she exclaimed, “Oh! Oh!” I was startled by this reaction as I had never seen her so undone. When I quickly scanned around to see what she was staring at with such venom, it did not take long to understand that the focus of her upset was, you guessed it, my new car.

She fell back as I swiftly opened the trunk to distract her with her gift basket, “Happy birthday! I hope you like this!” She quickly regained her composure, attempting to yank the basket out of the trunk willy nilly, smashing the bow and the handle, while balancing her shopping bags.

When I protested that I would be happy to drive her to her car (what she had demanded), she refused, “No, I’m fine, I am one floor up. I don’t need you to drive me, I would rather walk, especially after going to that restaurant you picked with all of that unhealthy Mexican food! Glad my girlfriends and I are meeting up for our workout tomorrow on the beach. You’d love them, they are all so humble, not flashy, they put their sights on spiritual things, not material things, they are super strong solid Christian women that you could learn so much from. Gotta’ go, thanks for the gift basket. God bless you, I’ll be praying for your new job or whatever it is you’ll be doing!”

And with that she grabbed her shopping bags out of my hands and marched away, pink heels clicking across the parking lot, blonde pony tail swinging, bags hanging off of her arms, struggling to hold on to my carefully put together gift basket.

As I watched her walk away I’d like to say that I kept my chin up and swallowed my hurt and tears. But I did not. I sat in my new car, feeling defeated, tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, and called a trusted friend to shakily share what had just happened. That lovely friend, a dear person in my life for over 25 years, reminded me that I was teaching therapy clients ways of setting boundaries, and I could also use those same communication tools to set limits with this intimidating N friend.

Suffice to say, as the years progressed and my professional life took off, my practice filled, and my books were published, it was very triggering for her. Her digs and jabs felt more and more like poisoned darts. However, after the lunch incident I began to set boundaries with her critical shaming, and eventually with the help of a therapist, healed from her N abuse, gathered my courage, and began pushing back on her criticisms, judgement and unkind remarks. Because of this, is not surprising that I saw her less and less. Remember, Ns do not like it when you reflect back to them their inconsistencies or unhealthy behaviors.

When her former N antics no longer worked with me, she upped the ante. After receiving an invitation for an elegant mermaid themed party on a lovely yacht in Newport Beach for my 50th birthday, her RSVP was an email stating that she had, “No interest in being trapped on a booze cruise for 4 hours dancing with a bunch of strangers”, and that she had, “Outgrown the friendship”, and that she would pray that, “The Lord will open your eyes and you will repent and get right with your savior.” I won’t go in to the hypocrisy about her evangelical judgements and the number of mistakes she had made over our 30+ year friendship. Instead, I’ll simply say that she lacked insight and ownership.

With that, a relationship of three decades, including the dear friendships that I had with her husband and her family members, was yanked away. Poof. Vanished. Never to be seen again. These were people who were like family to me. People that I had shared experiences and memories with - weddings, graduations, work, projects, milestone birthdays, births, deaths, funerals, vacations, church events, retreats, sleepovers. And yet, just like that, they buckled under her narcissistic rage and were gone without a trace.

Though it was heartbreaking at the time, looking back, I believe it was for the best. It is not worth walking on eggshells, swallowing one’s voice, or acquiescing to unkindness, or making excuses, “she means well”, “I’m sure she did not mean it that way”, in order to occasionally feel validated or approved of by the charming N.

The insecure, charming, critical and controlling N cannot abide anyone in their immediate circle challenging them. They want yes people, people who agree with them, people who go along with their likes and interests, otherwise, welp, you’re just “weird.” My growth, my education, my goals and new interests, my personal and professional successes, my human challenges, and most of all, my evolving voice, opinions and boundaries felt intimidating to her. She was not able to celebrate my achievements. Instead she needed to cut me down to size in order to protect her own ego. She needed to remind me who was boss. When that no longer worked to stunt my growth, she fled.

I waited for an apology for about 9 months, and then realized that I’d be waiting a lifetime. I moved through grief and healing. I reminded myself that it had taken me many years to build up my self confidence, develop insight, gain life experience and enough esteem not to succumb to her silence, spiritual fear mongering, shaming remarks, and feigned indifference.

I also accepted that until I apologized for activating and enraging her, she’d go to the grave without ever seeing me again. And that was something I could no longer do. I could no longer participate in the type of pay for play with this friend. It was simply too costly for my emotional well being.

In our last communication via email I let her know that she and her husband would be missed at my birthday party, that I loved her, and that I forgave her (though no apology was offered or any ownership taken), and that my door was open if/when she would like to work on the friendship and was willing to grow. However, truth be told, unless there is healing and insight on her side, it is unlikely that she will ever reach out.

I am at peace with this.

Reminder: The core wound of any type of narcissist is insecurity. Their biggest fear is to be “found out” - in other words, they cannot tolerate the thought of others thinking they are less than perfect, less than brilliant, less than beautiful or handsome, less than successful. They must feel better than you. They must have the best zip code, the best church, the best friends, the best outfits, the smartest husband, the best looking, smartest and most talented children, and so forth. They will abandon the friendship when you assert your boundaries and find your voice.

I am not going to soften this: It will hurt to walk away from someone in your life that is family, or is like family to you if they cannot accept your growth and boundaries. But how much more will it hurt to stay in an unhealthy relationship with someone you do not feel safe around?

18. Being offended by everything you say and do - Healthy people allow others to make mistakes. Healthy people extend the benefit of the doubt. Healthy people can poke fun at themselves. Healthy people are flexible thinkers. Healthy people practice kindness. Healthy people have boundaries. Healthy people do not judge others through a narrow lens. Healthy people admit when they are wrong. Healthy people are consistent and fairly predictable. Healthy people are not offended by every word out of your mouth (unless your words are used to intentionally offend). Healthy people allow others to evolve and grow. Healthy people celebrate their friends, family and colleagues successes. Healthy people believe and support equality and social justice. Healthy people have self insight. Healthy people make room for change. Healthy people do not hold on to resentments. Healthy people take a stand. Healthy people are not punitive. Healthy people are inclusive. Healthy people take ownership and apologize if they have hurt someone. Healthy people are vulnerable. Healthy people feel and show empathy to others. Healthy people often have pets, and are always kind to animals.

Reminder: A malignant or sociopathic N is not a healthy person. A toxic N cannot tolerate vulnerability in self and will extort vulnerability in others. They have very little interest in animals, elderly or those who suffer.

19. Unable to tolerate a correction or boundary - Oh the fragile Ns, so much to love, but goodness they are sensitive and can turn on a dime. The fragile N will personalize your boundaries. If you confront a fragile N and offer feedback, share disappointment, gentle correction, discuss your truth, or state a boundary, the fragile N’s shame is activated.

The response when you confront a fragile N is most often a combination of denial (“I did not do that”), or projection (“You think this way because you are insecure”), or criticism (“you are xyz”), or manipulation (“I think if you open your mind you will see you are wrong”), or toxic leveraging (“I talked to my therapist/husband/wife/best friend and they all agree with me”), or expressing rage through gossip, or silence and withdrawal, or role playing the victim (manipulation).

One interesting trait of the fragile N is their inability to put themselves in another person’s shoes. I have found it to be challenging in my own relationship with a fragile N. This person will make a hurtful or insensitive statement, or not show much interest, but when someone does the exact same thing to them, they will wax poetic about how hurt or frustrated they are. I’ve learned the art of biting my tongue with fragile Ns, and knowing when (and when not) to confront them on this lack of insight. It is jaw dropping at times, but knowing how to pick your battles with the fragile N is wise.

Reminder: If the fragile N is someone you care about, do your best to remain calm when you are experiencing growing pains in the relationship. Best to restate your boundaries and stand in your truth. Though they lack insight and are intimidating at times, these Ns usually sense on some level that they struggle in this area, and of all of the N types, these Ns are most open to change and growth.

Many times they grew up with a N parent and the relationship may be estranged. Or their first love relationships were with Ns. Their worst fear is to have attributes that are similar to their N parent or former lover. Yet, on some level, fragile Ns usually sense that they are exhibiting N behaviors that push people away and, with support, they are willing to change.

20. Entitled Ns and Energy Vampires: Enter the entitled Ns and energy vampire Ns. Let’s start with the entitled Ns, these folks ambulate through the world believing that they are more insightful, more sensitive, more creative, more intelligent than others. They believe that the world misunderstands their soulful artistic self, and really, they are just a cut above the great unwashed.

A smirk is a familiar expression on the entitled N. You just don’t really get them, you’re simply not sophisticated enough to understand their humor, their music, their veganism, their extensive travels, their inside jokes. And by the way, nudge, nudge, “just check out all of those typos; and did you see her tacky boots?” they may whisper with a sarcastic flick of their eyes.

This N believes that you are more than happy, even grateful, to give them your time, your information, your contacts, your support, your praise, your encouragement, your never ending advise, your money, your help, your materials, your ideas, your (fill in the blank), the food out of your fridge and shirt off of your back…all free of charge, simply because they asked or expected you to do so.

The entitled N will never consider paying you for your time, or reciprocating in some way. They will happily keep you on the phone to “pick your professional brain”, or show up to eat and drink at your parties without ever extending an invitation to you. They are very happy to ask for your help, or ask for an introduction, or for you to review their resume, help with a project, decorate their house, without ever extending anything in your direction. Why? Because you should be thrilled that they bestowed this honor on lowly little ol’ you.

Their M.O. is to swoop in, get what they need, swoop out. Mission accomplished. You don’t enter their mind again unless they need something from you, or you can be used as a butt of their jokes. Free of charge of course.

These entitled Ns have zero insight, and I do mean zero. They truly see themselves as deserving and would be shocked to their core to know how they come across to others.

The energy vampire on the other hand sticks around much like a leech. They will drain you dry asking for advise, help, support, comfort, a ride, a job, money, a long drawn out conversation, you name it, without considering you for one second. You could, quite literally, fall over dead and the energy vamp will just step right over your prone body and keep asking for your support as if there is nothing wrong. If they come for dinner, they will be the last to go, and you will have to ask them to leave at midnight. Every time.

Reminder: Managing the expectations of both the entitled N and the energy vampire N is key. With the entitled N, you’ll need impeccable boundaries. They will test those boundaries, so it will be up to you to maintain your boundaries. This means that you will need to speak up for yourself, tell them what your fee is, or perhaps confront them on their expectations. These Ns are insufferable and have no interest in changing.

With the energy vampire you will need to be direct, sometimes brutally so in managing their expectations around your time. Energy vamps, like most Ns, only consider how people, places, and things impact them. Is your dog sick? You’ll hear all about the time their dog died. Have you been diagnosed with an illness, they’ll want to discuss their latest sniffle in great detail. Or they will not heed your cues and limits in wanting to discuss your diagnosis.

Energy vampires are big boundary busters. They have zero problem ringing you up or texting you in the middle of the night with their latest crisis. They don’t care two hoots if they promised you their support and then bale. They are entirely unreliable, and everything is everyone else’s fault, they are never to blame.

You will have to remind the vamp how to conduct themselves with you in real time and social media. Let your no be no and your yes be yes with these folks. If you give an inch to an energy vampire, they will take a mile.

Additionally, be very clear if you plan to meet up with an energy vamp N. Example: “Yes, I can meet for lunch at this specific place on (date) at noon, I can stay for 2 hours and I will need to wrap up our time together no later than 2:15. Also, I was happy to pay for lunch last time, but this time I would appreciate it we could go dutch.” Then stick to that.

If they try to discuss topics you are not interested in discussing (usually wanting to dig in to your personal life), be clear with them, “I do not wish to discuss this.” If they say they forgot their wallet, ask them to go to an ATM, Venmo you the money, or ask when they can repay you (they won’t, ask anyway). Next time, let them know you are not comfortable meeting for lunch unless they can pay their way. Directness will be your best friend.

Tip: Know what your rules of engagement are on social media. For example, I prefer not to engage in messaging on FB for many reasons, but mainly because I am a business coach and there have been too many people, especially energy vamps and entitled Ns, who were more than happy to overstep facebook boundaries free of charge.

And, because I am a therapist, though I am not friends with my clinical clients, I do not like being drawn in to long conversations via DM on Facebook after a long clinical day. If a N cannot and will not respect your messaging boundaries on social media, unfriend or block them until they are willing to respect you.

For the smug N social media friends, just unfollow. You’ll save you heart from being bruised by their egos.

21. The Woe is me N: One last N that is important to highlight is the covert N victim or martyr N. I call these folks the “Eeyore Ns” (after the donkey from Winnie the Pooh), because, similar to the energy vampire N, they are not responsible for anything that ever happens to them. Their M.O. is chronic helplessness, their core schema is that of the beaten down victim in order to manipulate sympathy and support.

It is sometimes difficult to detect these particular Ns because of their chronic gloom and despair. And it is important to know the difference between the manipulative victim Ns and people who are suffering from clinical depression. However, they exist and gather attention by marinating in the next bad thing that has happened to them, often times being the orchestrator of their own disaster.

Reminder: Narcissists do not all sound and behave like Donald Trump. Trump is easy to spot for all of the reasons any reasonable, aware, compassionate, intelligent person can name. Even Trump supporters can easily identify Trump’s narcissistic tendencies if they are willing to be honest.

Closing Thoughts & Reminders

As I bring this to a close it is wise to keep in mind that not every N is a malignant N; the nicest people can be covert narcissists. It is when we confront any type of N, covert or overt on any level, that their true colors (aka pain points) surface in response to our confrontation or boundaries. When the defensiveness, projection, exclusion and rage show up.

You may not pay to play in that moment with a covert or overt N - meaning you may not pay at the moment the N's rage in activated. However, you will pay eventually as a narcissist never lets go of a grudge. Ever. Not unless you are willing to do some serious ass kissing and begging for forgiveness, or fawning at their feet (which I am not, and you should be very careful about paying to play with a N).

The standard tactic for a wounded N is to attack, destroy and/or abandon. If after overtly or covertly attempting to charm or manipulate, or attack or criticize their target, the person does not cave under the Ns will, they will then attempt to destroy that person’s self confidence. If that doesn’t work, then they will abandon and/or gossip about, and/or ignore.

A note for partners or spouses of narcissists…

The caveat to the standard narcissist M.O. (charm, attack or abandon), is when the person the N is attempting to control is their meal ticket partner or spouse, and/or pays the bills for the N and the Ns children or family members.

In this case the N will be highly seductive and manipulative. Both complimenting and criticizing their spouse or partner. The spouse or partner is always seeking approval and the “high” they get when they receive the rare compliment fairy dust from the N. It is a form of Stockholm syndrome and abusive manipulation that is very sad to witness in couples.

The partners of this type of N are often so trauma bonded to the N, sometimes by the use of religious guilt, or fear of loneliness as the N controls the social calendar, or an unhealthy sense of duty, or because they have children, or they are financially dependent, or due to a physical limitation, or age, or they are the bread winner and feel obligated to stay, that it is highly unlikely that they will seek therapy to gain tools to deal with the N.

If the trauma bonded spouse or partner does seek therapy, they will not stay in therapy for long as the N will not allow therapy to continue if the N’s controlled partner or spouse begins to advocate for themselves and set boundaries with the N. It is not unusual for a N to threaten a therapist with a law suit, or insist on joining the therapy, or constantly criticize the therapist, or refuse to pay for therapy in order to intimidate, control, and interfere with the clinical alliance.

It is also important to note that some of the most unwell and dangerous Ns are covert and seemingly caring people. They are pastors, firemen, moms, dads, grandparents, choir teachers, actors, and scout leaders, soldiers, baseball coaches, CEOs, bible study leaders, police officers, house painters, artists, nurses, nannies, teachers, doctors, and...yes..therapists too.

Finally, I’d like to reiterate my earlier point: Narcissists are not “evil” people. They are wounded individuals who have learned maladaptive methods of managing their relationships and the world around them. We all have moments of human frailty and poor judgement, however, Ns use manipulation, rage, toxic control, charm, criticism, silence, compliments, victimhood, and the other methods I have outlined here as their primary way of interacting with and controlling others, and managing the way people around them perceive and interact with them.

While it is important to have compassion for the N, and to feel a sense of sadness for their lack of insight into their own challenges, we must increase our understanding of their behaviors that impact our own mental health, undermine social justice and equality, increase fear, negatively impact emotional wellness, promote abuse, and increase physical illnesses or suicide. Understanding how to engage or disengage with the narcissists in one’s life is paramount in order to protect your sanity and well being.

Additionally, everyone exhibits selfish behavior, unkind moments, human imperfection, anger, lashing out, and general less than compassionate words and actions now and again. This does not make you a narcissist, it means that you are human and a work in progress like each of us.

A Note for Therapists…
A few of my colleagues call me “The Narcissist Whisperer” due to my many years of working with N clients, clients they thought could not heal, develop insight, or make healthy changes. It is a specialization that is not for the faint of heart, but I love working with these individuals because, unless they are a psychopath, there is always possibility for change. It takes time, and it takes hard work and consistently firm boundaries, but change can happen. There is hope.

For my colleagues who work with narcissistically wounded individuals, or those clinicians who are interested in learning how to better support this challenging group of clients in therapy, you are welcome to schedule a consulting call here if this would support your clinical work. You can also learn about what other clinicians have to say about my business coaching support here.

Tip: One of the most important methods I have used with narcissistic clients, especially addicts in recovery and the wounded partners or spouses, is specific mindfulness tasks, tools and techniques. This is very effective in treatment planning.

My colleague Darrin Ford, who is a respected author and highly experienced therapist in the recovery field and I founded The Mindfulness Academy for Trauma and Addiction Therapists. Additionally, we created the MBATT (Certified Mindfulness Based Addiction and Trauma Therapist) CEU Certification to support licensed therapists and certified coaches in recovery. To learn more about our training program, you may visit the TMAATT website here.

In closing, I hope this information on how to identify and deal with narcissists is helpful. If you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you deserve to have the support you need to heal, learn tools, and know how to name and maintain your boundaries. Reach out to a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and who can help you regain your worth and value.

I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist licensed in California who specializes in working with sexually compulsive individuals, the betrayed partner or spouse, narcissists, or those wounded by narcissist abuse. I work via teletherapy with adult clients located within the state of California. You can reach me at mari@growthcounselingservices.com.

If you believe that you are dealing with a form of narcissism, or perhaps a critical life event or consequence has finally brought you to a place of accepting that you are a narcissist (i.e. divorce, job loss, an intervention, loss of a license, loss of respect, loss of an important relationship, or public humiliation), I am glad you have taken time to read this.

My encouragement to you is to take the necessary steps to heal the unresolved trauma that has led to your unhealthy or abusive behaviors. If you are willing to grow, develop insight, and commit to therapy so that you no longer hurt yourself or others, then I commend you and encourage you to reach out to a therapist who specializes in working with narcissistically wounded people.

I will end with one of my favorite sayings by Rumi, “Yesterday I was clever, I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

I invite you to share your thoughts in the comment section below. You may also share this blog article on your social media if you believe this information would be of support and healing to others.

With kindness and support,
Mari
Copyright 2020 Mari A. Lee, LMFT, CSAT-S, CPTT-S, MBAT-S