How to Defy the Dream Discouragers
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Artist Credit: Hansi Kay
Two colleagues discussed their early professional journeys with me this week (shared here with permission).
Both stories included experiences of being discouraged and put down by supervisors, bosses or business coaches in pursuing their heartfelt clinical or coaching specializations, dreams and ideas.
Thankfully, both of these wonderful therapists did not take the negative feedback (or projected fear/envy) to heart.
Instead, they went on to create authentic, passion based practices and developed and launched business ideas that bring healing, light and joy to themselves and to those they support.
I call this type of unhealthy behavior "dream discouragement" - it is incredibly disappointing that this continues among clinical and coaching professionals, especially those in leadership roles.
Here's what I think...
If you work in the city and have a passion for equine therapy, you 100% can make this dream come true.
If you live in the country and long to create urban events, pursue this, don't give up.
If you want to specialize in a particular type of therapy that requires a certification, go for it, I admire that!
If you long to be a paid public speaker, but have a speech impediment, don't you dare give up, we need your voice!
If you want to work with a particular population, or niche, trust your internal compass.
If you want to decorate your office in sunflowers and solar systems - do you!
If you want to wear a blue mohawk, paint your nails bright purple, yellow feathers in your hair, or wear a 3 piece suit, express yourself you gorgeous, creative human.
If you have a unique (i.e. your own, no need to copycat) idea for a workshop, retreat, book, talk, app, class, course, event - how fabulous are you? We need more healing spaces and places and products in this hurting world.
My experience with a dream discourager:
Many years ago when I transitioned to Telehealth therapy only, I was told I'd never be able to create a sustainable therapy practice online. The warning and criticisms and doubts were not hurled at me by one or two therapists, but by *many* therapists. The naysayers came out in droves in a particular FB therapist group I was a part of at that time, including negative feedback from the group leader.
My response? I politely and quietly left that group and started my Telehealth practice anyway. Ta ta, take care, no time for that nonsense.
Fast forward 5 years: Covid hits and I am flooded with requests from agencies and organizations to provide paid Telehealth training via multiple webinars in March and April of this year. I made over 800 new friends and colleagues as a result.
Oh, and I still have a 3 month waitlist for my Telehealth therapy practice (insert snap and hair toss here).
Another fun-ish Mari story:
About 2 years into my full time Telehealth practice I decided to pursue my EMDR certification only to discover that NO one was teaching distance EMDR (this was about 3 years ago). I left no stone unturned in trying to find a quality EMDR training program that included Telehealth therapists.
There was zip. Nada. Nothing.
I contacted a popular EMDR trainer and discussed the need for an application that allowed for distance EMDR. This was met with thinly veiled derision and discouragement - I was essentially told that by providing EMDR via Telehealth I'd be practicing unethically and illegally and endangering clients. I was told that anyone developing an EMDR app, "Is going to be sad when they find out no one will buy or use an app like this." I was told that, "EMDRIA frowns on Telehealth EMDR." Well damn...
To quote Taylor:
"You are somebody that I don't know
But you're takin' shots at me like it's Patrón
And I'm just like, damn, it's 7 AM"
However, in my heart and gut I knew that an EMDR via Telehealth was important and that an app was a GREAT idea. Unfortunately, I had so many projects that I was juggling (LAB group, IITAP faculty and ethics committee, TMAATT and our mindfulness certification, my therapy practice, my coaching practice, supervision, The Shine Retreat, speaking, teaching), that I simply could not add one more thing to my plate.
Are you feeling me my friend?
A couple of years passed, and still no EMDR Telehealth training, so I finally bit the bullet in January 2020 attended a Level One EMDR 4 day training in person. It was a large training, 75 people (no one was talking about Covid in January). During the large group Q&A I asked about providing EMDR via Telehealth.
Dramatic pause...dum dum dum...
Given the gasps and head shaking, the tsk tsking, the smirks, the murmurs, and the response from the speaker, "Absolutely not!" - my goodness, you'd think I just punched Winnie the Pooh in the gut (I love Pooh FYI).
Side Note: Here's a happy bit of inside information from the 50s for those of you who are not yet in your 50s: If you are fortunate enough to make it to your 50s, most of us in our 50s don't give a rats fat ass about this kind of public admonishment and push back. It feels neither shaming, overwhelming or hurtful. Instead it feels tedious and banal.
Not one to be discouraged, I mentioned it respectfully once again in my small group of 10, only to have the EMDR consultant laugh my pie in the sky idea away and sternly warn me against this kind of heretical talk.
Ho hum.
Knowing the power of intentional well timed politeness, I politely zipped my lips while trusting my internal north star. I WOULD figure out a way of providing EMDR via Telehealth and then I'd develop a method of teaching this.
And we all know what happened a few weeks later...enter the Corona Virus and a national shift to Telehealth.
Oh, and that wacky, illegal, unethical idea I had for years about providing somatic therapy and EMDR therapy via Telehealth? Welp, it's all the rage now. In fact, the same organization facilitated the EMDR level 2 training via Zoom (insert ironic laughter here) and did a great job!
Note: This is not a pitch for therapists to transition to Telehealth. I'm simply sharing my recent experiences with "dream discouragers"; if you prefer in office therapy and EMDR, (like I did for years), Coolio Iglesias, do you!
A few more thoughts about authenticity and passion...
If you have an internal calling to create a spiritually based practice, trust that. So what if someone, or several someones, tells you no one will be interested, do it anyway.
If you are drawn to mindfulness and are excited about this aspect of healing, learn more! You are welcome to join Darrin Ford and I for our Mindfulness Based Addiction and Trauma Therapist Certification training in February 2021: https://www.tmaatt.com/
If you are in love with all things related to movement and art, but can't dance or draw, don't be discouraged beautiful, there are certifications that will support this (hint: it's not about perfect drawing or dancing skills anyway).
If people told you you were bad at math growing up, and that you must be great at math to have a successful business, take it from this math loving woman, that's total bullshit.
Finally...
Having strong political thoughts or clear thoughts on Covid or masks does not mean you are a negative person. You can be a healer and have clear opinions about politics. It is wise to be thoughtful about how this is shared in your clinical spaces of course, and it is important to have solid ethical boundaries about how or if you will discuss politics with therapy clients.
Owning your voice of advocacy does not make you a bitch or an asshole simply because a colleague disagrees with your point of view. It is absolutely fine to use your personal social media to share your thoughts. I prefer to have the highest privacy settings on my personal pages because I do not discuss my political opinions on my professional pages (my choice, this is a boundary that works well for me).
However, I share my thoughts on politics and social justice on my personal locked down pages without reservation. I do this because it is important to me, honors my advocate's voice, and because it supports my authenticity. I do this even though colleagues and colleague clients may (and have) unfollowed or unfriended or un-business-ed me. It is worth the risk because being silent during this horrific time in our world is not an option for me. You can be a spiritual person, a healing light, a brilliant business person and have an opinion about politics and Covid.
Can we please stop shaming the truth tellers into silence for being "negative" simply because there are those among us (me included) who speak plainly about what is happening in our world?
The people I admire and respect the most are those who are 100% authentic. Who have boundaries. Who take ownership. Who don't make excuses for reckless, harmful or selfish behavior. Whose words and actions match. Who don’t support people in leadership who are deceptive and harmful. I don't care if the person has a quiet way of expressing their truth, or is more vocal like me. What I am drawn to are people who aren't willing to hide in the shadows or stick their head in the sand, or sit on the fence, or spiritually bypass, or paint their anger and pain in happy faces and positive attitudes, or any of that chicken shit nonsense.
In closing....
There will be "dream discourages" in every walk of life. We have a choice on how we will respond to those projections. Do we take it to heart and let their words defeat us (Oh man, I was so defeated by the words of one person in particular in my 20s)?; or do we listen, consider, weed out, and trust our internal compass, and embrace our gifts and talents.
For my fellow supervisors and leaders reading this: Let's be dream inspirers. Let's listen, support and encourage the dreams of our colleagues. Let's find ways of being intentional in our support and encouragement - always with an eye on legal and ethical considerations of course.
Finally, make peace that there will be people who don't like what you have to say, what you do, what you create, how you dress, how you present, what you post, what you share. There will always be the negative Nellies', envious Irmas', and jealous Johns', who exclude you, or put you down, or attempt to put you in your place.
Rise above the BS you beautiful dreamer, don't let their fears and unhealthy competitiveness hurt your heart or cloud your vision. Keep going, we need your voice, your work, your ideas - now more than ever!
Need help with your practice or business idea? Learn what others have to say about my support here, and let’s jump on a call here.
In sassy support,
Mari
P.S. Fellow truth tellers, dream makers, healers and helpers, you are welcome to share your thoughts below…