Entrepreneurial Adventures: You Should See Me in a Crown
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Photo Credit: Zach Angelo
For all of you hardworking business owners that I love, respect and adore, some musings from my entrepreneurial heart to your own...
Wisdom in business is developed and cultivated over time. We who are healers, artists, leaders, innovators, deal makers, rule shakers, speakers, writers, rebels, creators, mentors and teachers did not step into that role overnight.
Every business owner or professional leader, no matter one’s age has years of sweat equity, late nights, early mornings, tears, fears, grinding through laborious tasks, all behind the scenes, sore shoulders, eyestrain, exhaustion. Unglamorous moments of hard ass work. Messy hair, smelly pits, juggling life and relationships and parenthood and school and responsibilities...and…so the story goes.
While there are joys and successes in business ownership, the road is often paved with self doubt, spontaneous choices, head scratching inexperience, shattering disappointments, crappy rejections, wishy washy boundaries, longings and lapses, and navigating the inevitable professional betrayals as well.
Unless one is blessed financially, shoe string budgets are a way of life in early entrepreneurial ship - what I call the soup and banana days. We digest hard work and make due on little sleep during this season, fostering the dreams we hold dear when the emotional hunger pains strike. Not implying this is healthy. It just is.
And that dream, those deep professional desires don't often come to fruition on our own steam. We get there in part by the support and investment of those who believed in us, who were trustworthy and generous, who cheered us on without any strings attached, who did not take advantage of us, who poured in to us (which, as many of us know, is extremely rare in the business world). Those imperfect people who advocated for us, who showed up consistently, and who shared and supported our offerings without reservation.
We who have been doing this a loooooong freaking time built our reputations, businesses and "success" by learning, growing, risking, listening, praying, meditating, balancing, apologizing, forgiving, accepting, and…practicing humility and gratitude. Eventually we learned to be less surprised by the tough lessons, and to embrace not only the compliments but the correction as well. We learn, sometimes the hard way, that correction from compassionate teachers and mentors are some of the most valuable jewels in our business crowns.
We who have been business owners for decades eventually realized that we must step away from assumptions and defensiveness when we are corrected. We have also learned to notice and rise above unchecked envy, unhealthy competitiveness and pettiness. We have practiced the art of sharing, supporting and celebrating our peers until it feels natural and nurturing.
Entrepreneurial life isn't easy at times. It isn't for the faint of heart or thin skinned - that's for damn sure! Especially when our efforts are unappreciated, misunderstood or overlooked by those we have supported. That never feels good. But what can I say my fine feathered friends? That's also a part of small business ownership buttercup.
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”She'll carry on through it all. She's a waterfall…”
~ The Stone Roses
The hard lessons have taught me to flow like a river vs. being a stone in the stream. A stone is problem focused, a stone is stubborn and inflexible, a stone is defensive and assumptive, a stone refuses push back, a stone weighs down the process by dropping the ball, or being argumentative, or unwilling to see where they are creating difficulties. I was the stone in my stream during my earlier entrepreneurial days. It took me a very long time to understand what being a stream really meant.
Photo Credit: Unsplash/Lokawisata baturraden
I am still learning.
What I do know: Success is not truly experienced unless you have felt mortified by the mistakes you've made at least once in awhile. Or felt regret in hasty words expressed. Or experienced the importance of extending an apology for one's assumptions, impatience, snippiness, errors or unkind words.
A proper heartfelt apology is an art form.
When I was younger in business, green and going places, I was unaware and, frankly, unwilling to stay mindfully present and notice without judging myself when my pain points were triggered. Shoot, I did not even have an awareness of what my pain points were. I was constantly busy, grasping at goals, going, rushing and achieving.
I was the little ingénue who could.
I'll be 58 this month, and I’d like to think I’ve learned a bit about business. Of course I write this as my 68 future self gently reminds me that I still have much to learn.
For those of you in your early years, I've also learned that age does not equal wisdom. As we have all witnessed in recent years, there are plenty of older folks who have a deficit in common sense, and whose businesses lack integrity and compassion. There are plenty of aging assholes in the business world.
My advice? Don't be one.
Let’s circle back to those earlier hidden pain points that I struggled with; perhaps this resonates with you as well…
Eventually I developed insight in to my specific professional pitfalls. The culprits that plagued me were always the same: perfectionism, overcompensating, workaholism, caretaking, and not making space for my own mistakes. A mistake felt shameful to me. I could not tolerate making a mistake. A mistake that was pointed out to me? Hell, I’d chew on that for days.
Trauma was a foreign concept to me back in those days. I wasn’t always a therapist after all. Traumatized? What did that even mean? Functional depression? Anxious overachiever? None of that sounded remotely fun or interesting. Who had time to explore and heal? Not me!
This next part is difficult to own, but own it I shall:
I often "killed the messengers" - those kind and supportive souls that would gently point out areas that needed attention and growth, often with love, but sometimes with understandable exasperation. I could not tolerate what felt like failure. Not to sound too old school, but words of affirmation is my primary “love language”, which certainly makes sense given my childhood where sweet and encouraging words were sorely lacking.
Every word that was less than patient, kind and complimentary cut me to my core. Especially if those words came from someone I admired and respected. I was sure my mentor would be so disappointed in me if I goofed up. I was vigilant, ready to be verbally clobbered at any moment. Talk about imposter syndrome! I operated with eyes wide open, all of the time. If corrected, if a particular tone was not to my liking, if someone had a human moment with me, I bristled like a porcupine, often projecting my shame and categorizing that person as the bad guy/gal/person. They were the one who was in the wrong, not me!
How could they not notice my hard work, my contributions, my wonderfulness? How fucking DARE they critique, push back or have a human moment with me!
*Deep Breath Break*
Expectations and verbal abuse in my family of origin was the spéciale du jour, especially from my Norwegian father, a meticulous and brilliant mathematician and teacher. “Perfect” was the only standard that that my beautiful, narcissistic and emotionally sadistic mother made room for. Thus, when a mistake was pointed out to me by an admired peer, mentor or supervisor, no matter how kindly, directly or compassionately that trusted person offered the feedback, even the most gentle correction would trigger my pain points.
My reaction (vs. response) to those triggers was to minimize and find an excuse vs. just owning the mistake and thanking the safe person who had corrected me. I rejected what they were sharing, even though they were in my corner. And, if I am going to fully own my shit, instead of building insight and lean in to what they were reflecting, I felt cornered and would often scramble to point out something I perceived that they were doing wrong, a "mistake" they were making vs. sitting in gratitude for the guidance being offered to me.
More than once I delegated a mentor or supervisor in to the scary pile, mistaking directness for meanness. I was oblivious that growing pains are a part of every professional person's story. “Not fair! Not cool! Screw You!” was the rebuttal and mantra of poor misunderstood younger Mari.
*Second Deep Breath Break*
Oh friends, I thought I was such a "boss babe" and a "business queen" back then simply because I was a hard worker, creative and organized. But I was also the queen of passive aggressiveness and defensiveness in my 20s and 30s. I knew it all and no one could correct me.
I often heard judgement or anger where none was present. I sometimes bit the hands that were attempting to help me because, as shared, due to my own unhealed hurts I did not have childhood role models that let me know that it is OK to make a mistake, to embrace one's imperfections. Instead I would look for ways of balancing my embarrassment by finding things that I perceived they (the person supporting me) were not doing "perfectly" either. Paying close attention to their little mistakes to squirrel away for future exoneration. If the shame cycle was triggered strongly, if I didn’t like the way they were going about things, if I didn’t appreciate their tone or tenor, I would pull out that list and toss it in their face. I call this defense mechanism a "gotcha!" moment. We currently live in a “gotcha!” culture - don’t believe me? Just log on to Facebook for awhile. Lady Gaga hit it on the head when she called social media the “toilet of the Internet.” People seem to absolutely revel in sticking it to one another these days.
Eventually and understandably, the mentor, peer or supervisor pulled back confused, angry or hurt.
Sitting with that now, reflecting on those early areas that I struggled with no longer brings up shame (OK, maybe a little, but much less). I have such compassion and love for my earlier business self. How could I have known then what I know now?
What I know now: I am an imperfect professional who will make mistakes. I am grateful when I do because it allows me to notice the grace I now give myself. I give myself a permission slip to slip. And by doing so, I create more space and equanimity for my colleagues.
Equally important, I no longer accept the unhealed pain points of other professionals, young or old, that are sometimes projected on to me. I see clearly what is happening, own my part, and push back on what does not belong to me.
For those who personalize my directness and boundaries, I remember that I was in their shoes at one time, and I do not judge their growing pains. Instead, I let blessings fall around me like blossoms (Rumi) and try my imperfect best to share those blessings with other colleagues. I reflect, I flow like the stream, and I stand in my boundaries and truth, with love, with compassion, and…with firmness.
These days I decide what people, places and projects I invest in. I let mentees experience their own consequences. I manage expectations. I push back when needed. I call out and speak out and reach out. I look for opportunities to practice the art of an apology, as well as accept apologies that are offered. I let go of needing to be popular, or to be all things to all people. Read that last sentence again.
Oh, and I trust my gut. My gut is my guiding light. Take care of your gut. Don’t gaslight yourself my friends.
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That's how we build resiliency, integrity and business heart, soul and muscles my friends. The challenges, the feedback, the corrections, and the road bumps - no business person is exempt.
I wish I could go back to that earlier me from 20/30 years ago and infuse her with this lived wisdom. But...she/me wouldn't get it. She/me would likely smile, nod, roll her eyes, or feel offended and complain to a friend, or project, or ruminate, or triangulate, or whine, or ghost, or rebuff, or stubbornly refuse to see the other side. My earlier rebel self would damn well do as she pleased. And that is sacred too. No one can do the hard work of healing and growing for us. No one can save us from the tough lessons.
For those of us who continue to dig deep, to heal, to grow (and it never stops), it is less about age equaling wisdom, and more about the years of lived personal and professional experiences that hone us over time. It is about acceptance and allowing excuses, pride and ego to shed off of us like snakeskins that no longer fit.
We get to decide every single step of the way: Will I get through this bitter or better as a business person? You don’t need to kiss the ring, but please be smarter than I was and don’t nip at the helping hands either.
“We can make it easy if we lift each other…We don't need to keep on one-in' up another…”
~ Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga
Heavy is the head my friends, heavy is the head. We all want the crown. What looks so sparkly and lovely and weighty on your colleague's head is actually light as a feather most days because your crowned colleague has invested years of sweat equity, of focused dedication, and decades of hard work earning that crown. We build those neck muscles slowly over time with hope, perseverance, humility, late nights, early mornings, giving back to others, and bone deep gratitude.
And a myriad of mistakes.
For those who are in a different place on their professional journey, those who may feel dissatisfied with the flower crown or tiara or skull cap, who want to speed things along and impatiently attempt to place that crown prematurely on their beautiful head, I understand that desire. I am sorry to be the one to tell you that if the timing is off, it will not feel like the right fit. It will not feel light as a feather. Instead it will feel heavy, awkward, pointy and painful because it isn't a crown... it's an anchor.
Trust me I know.
When the crown appears, you won't even be aware of it. Truly. Instead, you will notice how quickly and gracefully you are able to better balance your schedule, manage the expectations of others, be less critical of yourself and others, and experience very little envy.
You won't dance around words. You'll be direct, kind, and clear. You'll find your sense of humor and your hard won humility. You’ll extend grace and patience. And you’ll forgive yourself when your patience runs out.
You'll know your crown is the right fit when you can rise above the projections and unwarranted criticisms. When you can harness the hurt from an unkind colleague who is stumbling and struggling on their early journey and help them along. When you share your peers’ services and products with joy. You'll find a professional tribe that feels comfy, consistent, safe and supportive.
You will also begin to notice that the Jealous Jennys', the Fearful Freds', the Rageful Robs', the Envious Irmas', the CopyCat Cathys', the Unsupportive Sams', and the Gossiping Ginnys' won't get under your skin.
I promise.
Not to say it won't sting, but you'll learn that these challenges just come with the territory, and you'll more easily rise above.
So adjust that flower headband, tiara, baseball cap or well earned crown and keep on shining dear colleague. We all start somewhere, and the growth never ends.
My crown is still finding its place on my grateful aging mermaid head. Sometimes it's a bit wobbly, other days it's a little rusty, but some days it's downright sparkly!
If anyone is still reading along, know that I am standing in support of where ever you are on your journey, and that I see you, and encourage you (and myself) to be open to the lessons as each part of the path brings gifts, even gifts in the wound.
With compassion, support and respect,
Mari
P.S. Me on my 55th birthday with my Mermaid Crown xo