Breaking Open Boundary Myths and Misunderstandings

Boundaries are a challenging concept, at times confusing, and sometimes misunderstood. Therapists and healing professionals learn to practice boundaries, model boundaries, honor boundaries, and support boundaries. One of my “Mari-isms” that I teach therapy clients is to practice my K.N.M. tool, “Know, Name and Maintain” your boundaries.

While healthy boundaries support healthy relationships, there are several myths and misunderstandings that surface from time to time. Let’s explore these…

Boundary Myth #1: No is a Complete Sentence

You have likely heard or read the following quip, "No is a complete sentence." While "No" is technically a complete sentence, how many of us respond to a request or invitation with a flat "No" without any other words attached? Do the following responses sound like healthy boundary maintenance?

Q: "It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, I miss you! Would you like to meet for dinner this month?"
A: "No."

Q: "I am having a holiday party and would love for you to come if you are open."
A: "No."

Q: "I am really struggling with postpartum exhaustion and need help with my children this weekend; can you help me for a few hours on Saturday morning?”
A: "No."

Q: “My mother is going through chemotherapy next month on the 15th, and I have an exam I cannot miss. If I pay for the gas and/or loaned you my car, do you have time to pick her up? It will take about an hour round trip.”
A: “No.”

Q: “I broke my leg last weekend, and it has been a struggle to get things done. Would you be open to dropping off a few groceries for me this week if possible? I can send you a list and Venmo you the money.”
A: “No.”

While responding with a flat “No” might make for a thought-provoking meme, it is neither kind nor healthy to answer an invitation or a request for help in this way. The exception to this is if the person reaching out is demanding your help versus requesting, or has historically abused you, your time, or your boundaries. If that is the case, you may want to reconsider why you continue to engage with this unsafe person.

Let’s be clear, none of us are damaging our boundaries by adding a few words to our "no" response. Examples of healthy “no” responses that support boundaries:

“Thanks for thinking of me, I miss you too. No, I am not available this month to meet for dinner. Would one of these dates work instead (dates)?"

"It means a lot that you extended this holiday party invitation, thank you. No, I won’t be able to attend as this year I am keeping a quiet schedule. I hope you'll think of me next year; enjoy your party!"

"Thank you for sharing your struggle. I am happy to watch the kids either Saturday from 8-11, or 9-12, so you can have a break, let me know if that works for you."

“I know how difficult it has been watching your mother go through this, I’d be glad to pick her up and will work it out with my schedule. My budget is tight, so thank you for paying for my gas, I will let you know the total and you can Venmo me.”

“I am sorry to hear about your broken leg, I am glad you are resting and on the mend. I leave for a business trip and will be gone all of next week, so I will not be able to bring groceries to you. May I Instacart some groceries for you and let you know the total. When I am back in town, would you like me to come over to keep you company or help out?”

If these are loved ones that you choose to be in relationship with, and their request is within your ability, then refining your “no” with a few kind words not only respects your boundaries and manages expectations, it also respects your friend, colleague, or loved one. Maintaining boundaries can be done with compassion and respect.

Boundary Myth #2: Silence is a Healthy Boundary

Silence or stonewalling is not an example of healthy boundary maintenance. If a person is overstepping your boundary, or you are angry or hurt, using silence as a boundary can be confusing and painful. Silence may feel like the easy way out as most people dislike confrontation. Should you choose silence, please understand that this is not an example of a healthy boundary, and in fact, may create a great deal of shame.

For example, let’s say a person you don’t know well, or only see on occasion, or you have a professional relationship with, assumes that your relationship is much closer than how you experience the relationship. Assuming this, they reach out with a long, personal text message, DM, or email. Perhaps they believe that you owe them your time, a favor, support or advise for whatever reason.

While this can be awkward, it takes only a moment to respond in a way that kindly demonstrates you are not open to that type of communication from the acquaintance, “I wish you all the best as you move through this challenge” is a simple and polite way of responding. They may choose silence, an indication that they are not happy with your response, and that is their choice.

However, if they mistake your brief response as an invitation for further in-depth shares, then you will need to be more clear, not silent. A response such as, “I am not sure how to respond as we do not have a relationship that includes this level of personal disclosure. Again, I hope you find your way through this difficult time, and perhaps seek out support given what you are currently dealing with. My good thoughts are with you.”

Should they react with anger or frustration, you do not owe the person an apology or excuse. Instead, you can let them know that you choose to no longer engage, “I am choosing to exit this conversation and prefer not to engage any further. As shared, I do wish you well.”

Then, uphold your boundary and do not further engage.

Responding with silence is not healthy unless the person is abusive, manipulative, is gaslighting you, or you feel threatened or unsafe. Unless your mental or physical safety is in jeopardy, respectfully stating your boundary in order to manage their expectations of you, or to share how they have misstepped, is usually best.

Boundary Myth #3: Inconvenience Equals a Boundary Collapse

While it is important to manage peoples’ expectations around our time, and it is wise to protect our energy and schedules, extending support to our inner circle people in critical times is not only helpful, it is healthy. Helping a friend, family member or loved one during a difficult season does not equal a boundary collapse.

Let’s be clear, having healthy boundaries does not mean we should never be inconvenienced.

Sometimes helping a person we care about is, in fact, inconvenient. If a person who is important to you is physically or mentally ill, or requires help with a big project, is in need of a pep talk, requires support with their business, or requests help packing or moving, needs a ride to an appointment or the airport, or help with a pet, needs support with a child or elderly family member, or assistance with a task or an errand, is your boundary so rigid that you cannot find a few hours in your schedule to support your friend or loved one once in awhile?

Helping others who are nearest and dearest to us on occasion is part of being human. When we are connected to other people, there will be times when we may need to step out of our regular routines which, I understand, can be challenging.

When did we, as a society, start believing that having good boundaries means that you must never be inconvenienced by others? Your life may be smooth sailing right now, but at some point in your journey you may fall ill, or someone you love might fall ill. You may be injured and unable to drive or care for yourself. You may find yourself alone due to death or divorce. You may lose your job. A person or pet you love might die, and you might feel lost and alone in your grief. You may be overwhelmed by a business task, or unsure how to proceed in a relationship. You may deal with a mental illness that requires compassionate support. An elderly parent or spouse may be diagnosed with a cognitive disorder. During this stressful chapter, you will likely need support from those around you.

When (not if) this happens, what type of response will you hope for? Do you want your request to be met with silence, or a long list of excuses? Or course you don’t. No one wants to receive what I call the reluctant response text, “I guess I can help if you can’t find anyone else”, or the you figure it out text, “Let me know how I can help/let me know if you need anything”, or the too busy to show up text, “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I’ll be on vacation/working/out of town/busy, but I’m sending thoughts and prayers, and check out my fun vaca photos, wish you were here!” These types of responses leave a person feeling as if they are alone, or begging for help, and further adds to their stress and pain.

If you’ve ever experienced this (I have), it is heartbreaking. When one is ill or injured, or moving through a difficult life season, one of the worst experiences is being neglected by those you thought would be there for you. Yes, a therapist is an important support, and a therapist will tell you that having loved ones rally around you, or, at the very least, check in with support once or twice a month is incredibly important. If you are brave enough to ask any person who has experienced a serious illness, who has been injured, depressed, is grieving, or recovering in some way how the isolation and lack of support impacted their healing process, what you will learn is that the lack of support often creates a secondary injury and extends the grief process.

We want and need our friends and family members (especially those who do not have family members) to stand with us during the stormy seasons. For those who are independent and are typically doing the supporting, this is especially important - simply because one is “strong” and capable, does not mean they can do it all. Every person will experience vulnerable times, no one is exempt in this lifetime, and each of us require help during traumatic events. We need people who will show up and not just one time, and not just with words, but with actions, even when it is inconvenient.

The stormy season will eventually pass. When it does, the people left on your shore should be the people who stood with you, supported you, and showed up for you, even when it was inconvenient. If your closest people watch you struggle without stepping up to help, why are they counted as part of your inner circle? Those are called fairweather friends. Not sure what that means? Here is a definition:

Merriam Webster Dictionary
fair-weath·er friend /fe(ə)r ˈweT͟Hər frend/
noun 1. a person who stops being a friend in times of difficulty.

You don’t have to be a caretaker, you don’t have to do it all, but you can give care. Let’s explore this more in the next myth.

Boundary Myth #4: Caregiving does not Support Good Boundaries

As a reformed caretaker, I spent too many years over giving in my friendships and relationships. It took a long time and lots of hard work in order for me to hold solid boundaries around my tendency to over pour my love, generosity, encouragement, compassion, finances and support into my loved ones lives. Not everyone had earned the right to my investment of loving energy, yet I spent years over giving and caretaking.

It is important to understand that caretaking and caregiving are very different. If we are caretaking, or doing most of the emotional, relational, and financial heavy lifting in our relationships and friendships, that is a sign of unresolved trauma. In some cases, it may be a form of co-dependency. Co-dependent people learn early and often, usually from their family of origin or first important relationships, that they are not worth loving unless they are saying the right things, never rocking the boat or challenging status quo, and doing pretty much everything, all of the time, for others. I think of this level of caretaking as a PTSD response.

To be clear, traumatic caretaking is different that going above and beyond for our loved ones once in awhile - every person needs a little more support at times. Rather, it is overextending on a regular basis. Codependent caretakers are often magnets for narcissists, or people with untreated addictions, and selfish people. Why? Because they put everyone else’s needs above their own. Caretakers tend to be the ones that others turn to or count on. They are the ones are constantly picking up the check, figuring out the plans, supporting the goals, paying for the hotel, buying the gas, giving the gifts, throwing the parties, supporting your business, checking in with you, sending you clients, listening, doing special things, cheering you on, helping when needed, going out of their way, and so forth.

Note: Some of us enjoy planning and hosting parties, helping others, or we are more inclined toward generosity, and there is nothing wrong with this. If you have those traits, how wonderful for those people in your world! However, if you rarely receive support in your direction, or people have come to expect this of you, or believe that you are “strong and capable” and do not need occasional TLC, then you may want to explore this and help your loved ones understand your needs.

Remember, caregiving is different than caretaking. Adults should not be caretaking other able adults 24/7 unless the adult they are helping is seriously compromised in some way (i.e. in a coma, paralyzed, extremely ill, chemotherapy, traumatic brain injury, acute mental illness, high risk pregnancy, going through a life crisis such as grief, surgery, medical issues, suicidal, etc.). Over giving with responsible, fully capable, healthy adults leads to heartbreak and resentment. You do not do a person any favors by stepping in where they need to step up. As difficult as it can be, sometimes allowing for consequences can lead to change.

Examples of traumatic caretaking:

• Managing another able adult’s calendar or appointments.

• Doing all of the household chores without a fair division of labor.

• Constant reminders.

• Walking on eggshells.

• Doing all of the driving because your partner has road rage.

• Feeling as if you need to constantly keep that person entertained.

• Apologizing to others on behalf of your partner.

• Paying for most of the expenses including household bills, concerts, vacations and dinners.

• Continuously bailing out a loved one who is behind in their financial responsibilities.

• Making sure they are keeping their car tuned up, keeping doctor or dental appointments, or taking their medication.

• Coming up with excuses for addictions.

• Scheduling their therapy appointments.

• Paying for their therapy appointments for a long duration of time.

• Planning every vacation or social event.

• Shouldering most of the parenting responsibilities.

• Minimizing your needs and only focusing on their needs.

• Running most of the errands.

• Making excuses for their addiction(s), poor behaviors, or angry outbursts.

• Settling for the bare minimum in your love relationship or friendship.

• Listening to their problems when you are feeling depleted.

• Allowing your own mental or physical health to suffer.

• Putting your own dreams and goals on hold.
  
  On the other hand, caregiving, or giving care to those we love is part of healthy relationships. Examples of caregiving:

• Providing a comforting space for a close pal to vent.

• Helping when a loved one is ill.

• Doing something generous for a special person in your life.

• Making a meal for a friend in need.

• Doing a kind deed for a sibling.

• Sitting with a friend who is grieving.

• Running an errand for an elderly family member.

• Volunteering for a good cause.

• Sending a kind text or email to cheer a loved one up.

• Showing up in a time of need (not waiting to be asked to help).

• Providing a service (something that you do well such as cooking a meal, teaching a skill, giving a beauty treatment, reading aloud, cleaning, gardening, focused listening, arranging some flowers, walking a pet).

• Providing a ride to a doctor’s appointment.

• Offering a helping hand without an expectation of payment.

• Being consistent and trustworthy.

• Extending patience during traumatic times when that person may not be at their very best.

• Supporting a friend’s business.

• Cheering a person on.

• Remembering a birthday or special event.

• Allowing for inconvenience now and then.

These acts of compassion, support and service for those we love help us grow as people. As our relationships blossom, our mental and physical health improves when we extend to others from a place of willingness, generosity, and kindness.

Note: If you are exhausted and depleted, or going through your own difficult season, then do what you need to do to take care of yourself first. Let your loved one know that you are needing time for yourself, but reassure them that you will check back in at a certain date and time and let them know that you will be there for them when you are able. Then follow through on this.

Of course, not everyone holds the same place of importance in one’s life, nor should they. For those people who are important to us, the people who have been there for us, those with whom we share memories, experiences, and life with, it takes so little effort to extend care, to step up for a few hours now and then, especially for those people who have been there for us. I have observed (and experienced) that some folks have short memories when it comes to remembering how they have been supported.

Please don’t be the person who doesn’t show up. Don’t be the person whose boundaries are so rigid that someone you love must beg for your support. Don’t let weeks or months slip by because you’re too busy to check in and then feel guilty or ashamed and your response is then to allow more time slip by. Don’t rely on text messages and empty words to act as a bandaid. No one gets the gold star for being the most busy, we are all busy. Instead of sending a long, “newsletter text” or lengthy email every few weeks, believing that you have fulfilled some sort of self imposed obligation, if the person and relationship is important to you, if you love or care about that person, if they have been there for you, then stay connected by actually showing up in person for your loved one now and then.

On the topic of texting, something we all do, and personally I much prefer to phone calls (as a Telehealth therapist, supervisor, and busy coach, I am on the phone or Zoom several days a week, several hours a day), here is some truth to consider: Trying to maintain a relationship with a loved one through texting only is not always the best way to stay in touch. Some folks like this, others do not. If your loved one is someone you trust, care about, and respect, and you know your loved one is suffering or in need of support, and you choose to stay in contact via texting a happy face, a meme, or a long winded text every few weeks, this may be a sign of avoidance. If you know or sense that your loved one would like more than an occasional text, and yet you continue to stay connected in this way, your hope is likely that the detailed text will be good enough, and I’m here to let you know, it may not be. Here is an example,

“Hi, I hope you are well, how are you? I can’t believe it is almost fall, the summer sure went fast! Life has been busy on my side the last few months, let me outline everything that has been going on, all the stress I have been dealing with, the challenges that have been impacting my life in a negative way in this super long text filled with excuses that you now have to scroll through and respond to. Hopefully, this will be enough for you. Hopefully you will see that I am too stressed to show up for you. The lie I am telling myself by sending these long, exhausting, text newsletters every few weeks sprinkled with happy face emojis and hearts is that you will accept this crumb as a show of my support so that I am not inconvenienced or actually have to do anything else that could possibly impact my important schedule. I tell myself that I can check off this obligation box and set my feelings of guilt aside, and our connection will remain in tact.”

Listen, we’ve all done this. If we are brave enough to gently and honestly examine this type of communication, we will come to know our shadow parts, as well as parts of self that are overwhelmed, selfish, distracted, afraid, unbalanced and detached. Your loved one who is struggling doesn’t need a long ass text from you. They need you. They need your presence. They need your smile. They need your encouragement. They need your help and assistance now and then.

Balance, support, compassion and yes, inconvenience all have a place within the framework of boundaries and healthy relationships. Don’t be a person who just gives lip service to those around you. Let your words and actions match.

As you can see, healthy boundaries can also include caregiving, as well as managing expectations about who has access to our time and support. Equally important is making sure that we are not sending mixed messages about a person’s importance in our life. It is up to us to communicate clearly so that we are not sending confusing signals to others which may result in over giving with those who do not hold a precious space in our life, while under giving to those who need us the most.

Boundaries Myth #5: Boundaries Should Never Change

While healthy boundaries allow for healthy relationships, boundaries can sometimes be too flexible or too rigid. Certain boundaries may change over time; it is normal and healthy to adjust boundaries at various stages of life.  

Here is an example of my own boundary that was too flexible: When I was a teen and in my 20s, I loved being around my friends as much as possible. I enjoyed having my friends drop by unannounced day or night. I loved a spontaneous road trip, or going out on a Tuesday night and having a blast in my early years.

I still love my friends, and I still love to have fun, but, as I matured, my personal space became more important to me. Friends popping by without an invitation no longer worked for me. Running out the door to meet up on a weeknight did not bring the same level of enjoyment. Hanging out with a large group of pals at a concert wasn’t how I wanted to connect with others. As I grew, I changed, therefore my boundaries changed.

My friends noticed this change, and, at first they were confused because I had not communicated this well. Once I shared what my new boundary was (please call first and don’t drop by unannounced; I won’t be meeting up for late weeknight outings, etc.), and maintained my boundary when it was tested, my friends eventually understood and did not personalize this change. In fact, it gave some of my pals permission to have better boundaries as well.

Perhaps there will be a day when people are welcome to stop by my home unannounced, or perhaps one day I’ll once again be up for mid-week midnight outings. If so, then I will adjust that boundary. If or when I do, it will be my responsibility to update my loved ones on this boundary change. 

An example of a rigid boundary that I needed to adjust: I am a person who prefers a quiet atmosphere when I write. My partner prefers to have background noise, usually a movie, music or a video game. My original stated boundary was the house should be silent when I was writing, and I’d prefer that he not interrupt me. However, because I can get lost in my writing for several hours at a time, this was an unfair boundary request. He shared that it felt as if he had to tiptoe around when I was writing in order not to disturb me.

Once we talked it through, we agreed that during my writing hours, he would use headphones for music and video games, and if he wanted to watch a movie, then it was up to me to find a different quiet space to write, or turn on a sound soother, put on noise canceling headphones, or select a different time of the day or different day to write. My boundary of no interruptions unless it is an emergency is still maintained, and the new boundary plan works much better for us both.

Where have your boundaries shifted? Have you communicated those changes? Or, do you need to update a boundary that is too flexible or too rigid?

Boundaries Myth #6: Boundaries Must be Perfect

Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where each person named and maintained their boundaries perfectly? And wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone we interacted with attended to our boundaries perfectly?

Waking up from that fantasy…

Though perfectionism is rampant, human beings are not perfect, far from it. We may have stated our boundaries clearly, and guess what? People are still going to stomp or stumble over our boundaries from time-to-time. This may not feel good, but it is usually not the end of the world.

I call these boundary busters “Stompers and Stumblers” ©, and they are very different types of folks. Stompers typically detest boundaries, they see them as ultimatums, abandonment, or threats. Stompers struggle with entitlement; they believe the rules apply to everyone else. Stompers exhibit traits of self-centeredness and selfishness, and they lack emotional regulation - they want what they want when they want it. Stompers do not care if you’ve asked for a time out, if you’ve asked to discuss the topic at another time, if you’ve shared your discomfort, if you’ve flat out said, “No.” They will pout, manipulate, respond passive aggressively, or with gaslighting, and do what they want anyway.  They do not know how to take a breath and a break.

When dealing with stompers, we will need to be crystal clear in repeating our boundaries, and then allow for consequences if our requests are not honored. With the worst offenders this may include no more contact if they are abusive, toxic, or unwilling to learn and grow.

For the stumblers, my hope is that we can extend compassion. People will, at times, stumble over our boundaries, just as we may, on occasion, stumble over their boundaries. Perhaps the stumbler in your life is going through a traumatic season. Perhaps they are feeling overwhelmed or lonely. Perhaps they were confused about your boundary. Perhaps they are responding to you not respecting their stated boundary. Perhaps they deal with an anxiety disorder. Perhaps they are having a tough day and had a human moment.

Whatever the reason, stumblers are typically people who respect others, and at their core, they want to understand and respect your boundaries. However, like all of us, they may be dealing with something very difficult that we are not aware of, or just having a stressful day.

If a well-meaning stumbler crosses your boundary you can be sure that they will return to repair the relationship rupture with an apology and ownership. During the repair stage it will be important to consider your role, did you contribute to their stumble? After all, it’s not fair to stick your foot out, push them in a corner, and then feel hurt or angry if they trip.

What I often hear from stumblers is their devotion and dedication to others. Valuing others is a high priority for accidental boundary stumblers. They enjoy investing in the people they care about. On those occasions when they have a challenging moment - perhaps they snap, or raise their voice, or interrupt you, or express anger or grief, if historically this person has been loving, supportive, kind and encouraging toward you, then perhaps instead of responding with anger, silence, or scolding the stumbler, highlight all the reasons why you care for them, and let them know that you understand they are going through a tough time. Rather than wag your finger and demand that they honor your boundaries, consider if you may be crossing their, rather than letting them know all the ways that they hurt you (remember, a stumbler is not deliberately trying to cross your boundaries), or shame them…how about extending a little grace and compassion for their human moment if this is not a pattern.

Equally important is to ask yourself if their response is reasonable. Have you intentionally or unintentionally crossed their boundaries? Have your own words and behaviors aligned? Have you pushed their buttons? Or, perhaps their vocal tone or words are triggering an old wound for you. Do you offer support with your words, but when asked, find excuses not to show up? Are you a person who becomes reactive and upset when someone challenges you? Remember: respectfully challenging a person, or a person respectfully challenging us is not usually an example of a boundary crossing. Loved ones will challenge us now and again, this aids in our development and growth if we will allow ourselves the space to reflect and respond, vs. react. While growing pains do not always feel great, none of us can evolve in a precious, untouchable bubble.

Expressing one’s hurt and anger appropriately should be allowed in every safe relationship. It is important to remember that expressing anger is not unhealthy – as long as that person is not calling you horrible names, threatening you, or physically harming you. If they are suffering, their voice may be raise, they maybe crying or shaking while sharing their truth. Of course, if they are deliberately hurting you, that is not a stumbler, that is an abuser. If you do not allow people to have human moments with you, if your boundaries are so rigid that they can’t never accidentally cross them without being shamed, then please enjoy a life of surface relationships; people will retreat when they feel misunderstood, judged, and unable to express themselves.

Boundaries Myth #7: Women with Boundaries are “A, B, C” (aka A-holes, Bitches, and C**ts)

Sadly, the archaic perception that women who know, name, and maintain boundaries are “bitchy”, “angry” or “aggressive” persists. Truth be told, women who have healthy boundaries are some of the least “bitchy, angry or aggressive” people you will meet.

Why? Because when we know what our boundaries and limits are, when we can name our boundaries respectfully and clearly without apology, and when we can maintain our boundaries without becoming defensive or reactive, this allows the other person to know who we are while we manage their expectations of us, and our expectations of them. This is the ultimate combination of self/other respect, vulnerability, and transparency – all the important ingredients for safe and connected relationships.

As we practice healthy boundaries, there will be people who are threatened, sometimes these are people who have known us for years. Sometimes these will be professional relationships. Let’s look at this dynamic more closely with this hypothetical example:

Manuel oversees a large group of executives. His expectation is that Janelle will stay late each day this week to meet last-minute client deadlines that Manuel has agreed to. Janelle has given her commitment to her son to help him practice for a school play this week. When Manuel makes the request that Janelle stay late because he is stressed out with the client deadlines, Janelle validates that Manuel’s decision has created additional stress for him, and shares that she has other personal commitments and will not be available after 5:00 PM. Janelle lets Manuel know that while she is not willing to adjust by staying late in the evening, she will be happy to come in an hour early for two days that week as a support to the team. Janelle manages Manuel’s expectations clearly and professionally, and provides a solution that respects her boundaries.

When Manuel suggests that Janelle is not a team player and is “being bitchy” (i.e. he pushes back against her stated boundaries), Janelle does not waiver. Instead, she calmly restates her boundaries, and she states an additional boundary asking that Manuel not refer to her as “bitchy.”

When Manual insinuates that Janelle may be passed over for a promotion due to her boundary, Janelle reminds Manuel that she has earned the promotion, and states that threats of this nature are a boundary violation. She asks if he would like to set up a meeting with human resources so that they can discuss boundaries and expectations moving forward. Janelle also documents this interaction, and follows up with an email to Manual:

Manual,

Per our discussion today, I am unable to stay past 5 PM this week due to a previous commitment. Given what you shared during our conversation, it seems that the client deadline you have agreed to has created extra stress for you.  While I am not able to meet your expectation that I stay late each day this week, as communicated during our conversation, what I am able to do is come in one hour early on Tuesday and Thursday morning this week. I am happy to do so to support you and the team. Please confirm by 5 PM today if this would be helpful so that I can adjust my schedule.

Moving forward, as requested, when I cannot meet your expectations, please do not call me “bitchy”, or threaten to take away future potential promotions. Name calling and threats cross my boundaries. I shared my boundary clearly and professionally. I expect to be treated with respect as an executive and team member who has a solid track record in our organization.

Your threat about “passing me over for a future promotion” if I did not stay late this week must be respectfully addressed as well. To be clear, my work ethic, commitment and contributions to this company earn my promotions. A promotion should not be solely reliant on me being immediately available to your last minute requests or demands, especially if your decision to agree to a client deadline had not been previously discussed with me or the team.

Thank you for respecting these boundaries moving forward. If you feel that a meeting with human resources would be helpful, I am amenable to this and would be happy to set this up. Or, if you feel that you can move forward professionally in our interactions and respect my stated boundaries, I look forward to continuing our work together.

Please confirm receipt of this email and let me know if you’d like my support early on Tuesday and Thursday morning this week. If so, I can be in by 7:30 AM.

Thank you,
Janelle

This is an excellent example of Janelle knowing, naming, and maintaining boundaries with a toxic boundary buster (a “stomper”) who is projecting, personalizing her boundary, and reacting with a threat. Though Manuel may not like her boundary, Janelle was not angry, aggressive, or bitchy. She was confident, clear and professional in naming her boundary, and she offered an alternative solution that worked best for her (not that this is required). She also clearly stated her expectations moving forward, and offered to set up a meeting with human resources to support better communication. Janelle wisely addressed this in writing and added the email to her employee timeline to support her boundaries.

Let’s be advocates for safe workspaces, and personal and professional relationships that respect all people, regardless of gender, religion, position, education, orientation, ethnicity, physical differences, or neurodiversity. Every human being deserves to have their voice heard and boundaries respected.

As this article comes to a close, I hope this information has helped round out your thinking regarding boundaries and boundary myths. Remember to practice the Mari “K.N.M” tool – Know, Name and Maintain your boundaries!

A final gentle reminder…

Every moment you have a choice to practice how you interact with those around you. You have a choice to uphold your boundaries and a choice to honor the boundaries of others. You have a choice to pass on your pain to others, or a choice to pass on whatever healing and support you’ve experienced and received. You have a choice to pass on rage, or a choice to pass on peace. A choice to blame, or a choice for ownership. A choice to contribute to misunderstandings, or a choice to understand. A choice to rupture a relationship or a choice to repair it. A choice to project your fears, or a choice to be introspective. A choice to take ownership and stand in humility, or a choice to stand in denial and regret. A choice for disconnection or a choice for connection. A choice to learn and grow, or a choice to stay stuck and sink. A choice to be of support or a choice to tear down. A choice to pass on shame or blame, or a choice to take responsibility and reduce shame. A choice to judge or a choice to extend compassion.

You have a choice. No matter your circumstances. You have a choice. Every moment. Every day.

As a former foster care kid who survived terrible abuses of every variety, who was often hungry, lonely, poor, and on my own at 16 years old, it took me a very long time to understand that I had choices. The world felt scary, fucked up, and unfair. I was a wounded, insecure teen, and an understandably angry and extremely introverted young adult. I had suffered neglect and pain, and I was on my own far too early in life, I trusted no one. No one. Until I sought therapy in my late 20s, I did not realize I had the choice to heal. It felt like all my choices had been taken away. Even in those early years of healing, I still did not understand I had choices due to my hurting parts, my traumatized parts, and my unhealed, frightened parts. It took time for me to learn, to trust, to practice, to gain insight, to heal, to practice more, to recover my authentic self, to grow, and eventually blossom.

For those who are alone, abused, bullied, betrayed, addicted, mentally and/or physically ill, it is much more difficult. When we are hurting, depressed, or anxious, choice can feel impossible. And sometimes it is. When we are scared, it is hard to trust. When we feel alone, it is hard to reach out - especially if we have been let down over and over again. We all have grief; we all have pain. Many of us have survived, or are surviving horrific traumatic experiences. Some are dealing with addictions. Others have been betrayed by those they trusted most. Many people are dealing with a health diagnosis they never expected. Some have lost people they dearly love too soon. Some have lost jobs. Some are surviving natural disasters but have lost everything (as I type this Maui is reeling from the horrific wildfires and loss of life, property and pets). Yes, there are those who have had more privilege and opportunities. This is true. What is also true is that life is never going to be perfectly peaceful or fair, and it doesn’t feel like we have choices when we are going through the shitty seasons of life. The last thing a person wants to hear when they are suffering is to count their blessings and be more grateful.

It is important to acknowledge what you are feeling - all of the challenging emotions must be honored and expressed in ways that help you heal vs. further harm you. Eventually you will come to understand that no matter your pain, you can learn how to interact with those around you in healthy ways, even when you are battling within yourself. Start by noticing the mind states and mind stories that most often arise in you, the toxic thoughts, the unhealthy internal scripts. Start there. Then, reach out for support from skilled and caring healers to learn how to change the toxic self-criticisms and practice self compassion. Remove the energy vampires, and punitive people if they are unable or unwilling to be kind, compassionate and supportive.

If your vocabulary is fundamentally hostile toward everything you see, toward everyone, toward yourself, if your first thoughts in the morning are angry and filled with fear, doubt, and self loathing, and the first reaction to everything is critical or defensive, you are going to continue to suffer. Part of this suffering is blaming others for your pain. Blaming others may feel like temporary relief, but eventually will shift you into inaccurate perceptions, assumptions, and resentment. One tiny step to support your internal boundary of well being is honoring your emotions, all of then, and then give yourself loving messages like this:

“I don’t know how this day will unfold, and I notice that I am angry and scared, lonely and sad in this moment. I honor these emotions, while also noticing that my life does have some good aspects. Even though I feel hurt, or tired and resentful, I am choosing to remind myself of one or two people, places and things I am grateful for today (then name those). This day will never come again. This day can never be repeated. I will do my imperfect best to stay present with myself and make choices that feel healthy for me, and not hurtful for me or those around me.”

If you have a higher power, lean in to your higher power as well. If you have even one friend, or trusted loved one, or a pet, thank them for their support. If you have a tiny bit of extra energy, perhaps volunteer to help someone in need, even if that is simply holding a door open for a stranger. Try to remember that that the tide will turn, it always does. This type of gentle mindfulness is also a beautiful way of holding boundaries with yourself as well.

Remember, boundaries can be beautiful, they just take a little practice. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You are deserving of respect, support and love.

Practice the baby steps in boundaries. Remember, each of us will stumble now and then. And that’s OK… we are human.

Take good care of your heart,
Mari